The Me I Wish I Was

Writing a Statement of Purpose has made my life seem just a long saga of wasted youth and aimless wondering.
In an ideal world, the SoP should have been a snap of the fingers and a wave of a magic wand (plus some fairy dust) away. On the subject of a make belief life, I am very strong. I strongly wish it were true.
Just sometime ago, I was complaining that life was too laidback. Welcome back, real world. I have been gobsmacked into the middle of about a million forms asking me the same questions over and over again.. The sad part:- No answers yet.

Why do you wish to go for a management career?
I went into BTech and I realised that the Mtech colleges wouldn’t like to have me. Most of them didn’t understand what the hell I am talking about! I heard that could be an advantage for a manager. Then there was this exam called the CAT. Your institute said “Okay, let’s hear you yap.” So, I am trying my luck here! Please don’t let me down. I won’t be able to stand the rejection…!!
Ideal Answer: I was interested in management since a very young age when I used to manage a chaikada outside our house. We soon expanded into handing out pazhamporis and bondas. My life ambition has to be to sell ice creams to an Eskimo. In my free time, I like to trade in the stock market. I am already a millionare. An MBA is just to hone my already tuned skills!

What alternative(!!) careers are you considering and why?
I am a Malayalee and am proud of my heritage. Coconut plucking seems the ideal avenue for me to exploit my Mallu talents. The pay and the hours are excellent. Who knows, maybe one day I might be the CPO (Chief Plucking Officer) at Goldman Sacks! In five years time, I plan to float my own company called (what else?) Thengakolla.

Describe your strengths and weaknesses?
Strengths: Hahahahahaha. You think I’d be blogging about this if I knew? SERIOUSLY?
Weaknesses: A propensity to take things lightly. Also a prelidiction to using “P” words. Petty, eh?

What is your most significant accomplishment to date?
I am 21 years old. I have just now been allowed to cross the road on my own by my paranoid mother. What do you think? I invented the Polio vaccine? (That’s Jonas Salk, by the way!)
Ideal Answer: Floating the start up company Thengakolla

What are your present hobbies?
Anything that sounds good enough on the resume but could be broadly classified under “Lazing around doing nothing.”

Discontinuities in career.
Disc…. ZZZZ…huh… what? How? When? THIRTEEN years? I was SLEEPING? Whaddameanbythat?

Indicate your extracurricular activities.
Fortunately, this is a euphemism. During my EXTRAcurricular time, I sleep. It is very refreshing. Then, when I get bored of sleeping I blog to let people know I was sleeping. After which I go to my curricular activities, which encompasses sleeping in class.

Are you familiar with computer hardware? (Please tick)
Yes — No — Hardware?— Computer?—
Where have you used computers? (Please tick)
Home — Office — School/College — Cybercafe — I have been sleeping for the past 13 years and have no idea what computers are—
Do you know how to use a web browser? (Please tick)
Yes, I point, click and close. — I use the whatcha call it, mouse— No, I have been living in a hole for the past 10 years and came out to fill out some forms.—

Identify a significant incident or situation from your life.
When I was a small kid, I told my father I wanted to know everything. Then I pointed to a large pipe on the side of the road and asked him what it was. He said that it was something that elephants used to make puttu. Then I pointed to the windmill and asked him what THAT was. He said it was the elephant’s fan.
Because of these questions, I am what I am. I know that the world is a giant conspiracy. The elephants are nigh!

Have you suffered from any illnesses (including mental)?
NOT at all. I am hale and hearty. In fact, I am haler and heartier than most! Please don’t listen to the other voices!

And finally….
Statement of Purpose. This, my friends, is it, the big DADDY, the clincher . What can one say about a purposeless life? The euphemistic statement would be “I have tried a million different things.”
That might be true enough…
Okay, I be out to shed some light on my purposeless life…Oh God, to have invented the Polio vaccine!!!