Of Blogs & Blogger

I am an unapologetic MAD reader. I love the magazine and have been reading it ever since it released in India with the “Ecchh Files: The Spoof Is Out There.”
There might be people who label their humour juvenile and infantile and so on, but to them, all I have to say is “Dweebs!”
Anyway, there was a column in this month’s issue (featuring “Harry Plodder & the Pre-Teen Nerds are Acting Bad”, sold at your nearest bookstore or psycho ward) that might strike a chord in the hearts of those in Blogger Land.

Setting: Dark room where only the glow of the computer monitor illumines the face of the person (Intellectual) typing out words feverishly onto his keyboard. Second person (Observer) is watching over his shoulder.
Intellectual: “Come look at my blog!”
Observer: “What’s a blog?”
Intellectual: “It’s an online diary! You put what you do all day in it and people read it.”
Observer: “So what do you do all day?”
Intellectual: “I read other people’s blogs.”

So, here I am, typing away in a semi-lighted room, staring at a Firefox window open at Blogger: Brain Freeze:: Edit Post ‘Brain Freeze’… Suddenly, the title of my blog seems singularly appropriate.
Hmm, was I trying to even MAKE a point with this post?
This reminds me of what Browning said to a couple of students about some obscure lines of poetry “When I wrote these, only the Creator and I knew its meaning; right now, He alone knows” (or something to that effect.)
Note: It’d be very kind of all of you to refrain from correcting that quote. I KNOW it’s not word for word, but it comes kind of close. But knowing compulsive bloggers (I’m one too…) the first 10 comments will, in varying degrees of politeness, point out what exactly was wrong with my version of Browning’s words.. and yes, I will still love all of you regardless of the critique….

This blog’s become part of my identity now… Would someone have guessed that when Mumble Jumble was born? I think not…
Why did I start blogging? The reason for that is shrouded in the mists of time and memory. About the only thing that you, my dear readers can do, right now, is to hang on for dear life and hope that this runaway roller coaster doesn’t crash into a huge brick wall right at the top of the loop….
….and of course….Check my FAQs for an insight as to WHY I blog?

Here’s some joyous news all around… Shruti Fraud is back!!! After the phenomenal success of her book, she’s decided to step into the world of… Bloggernithology.

Shruti Fraud’s Guide to the Bloggers of the World
The common blogger is found everywhere. From the bustling metropolises of the U S of A, to the verdant green of Africa, from the teeming millions in the Indian subcontinent to the continent of Australia, where the only things more weird than their accents are their animals.
But, the truth of the matter is, no matter where the habitat of our specimen under scrutiny, the common blogger transcends geography to enter the realms of the true global village; namely, the wiseasses are still the same no matter where they live!
Now, it maybe a touch difficult to identify the blogger from the saner people around him/her, but chief symptoms maybe dark circles under the eyes, a propensity to stay up late and a surfeit of links on your Yahoo Messenger that gives you links to “this cool blog”.
Then again, a mistake most people make is in assuming that the Common Blogger is as unvaried as a house fly. In fact, there are many different breeds of the Blogger; so many, in fact, that scientists are hurriedly contemplating changing the name of the species and dropping the qualifying “Common”…
Most resemble each other in the same way the elephant’s closest LIVING relative looks like its great great (to the power 200000) uncle Mr.Woolly Mammoth…

Classification
Kingdom: Oposculia (lit. meaning small book) The kingdom consists of the bloggers, the website designers, the regulars at forums. Moderators don’t belong to this kingdom, thereby proving the notion, “They’re a breed apart.”
Phylum: Scripscrita
Class: Heberetui (‘read’, ‘you’) What’s a blogger without a reader?
Order: Ordorita of the Bloggers proper. As always, you must remember that the species of bloggers you’re apt to meet only have the common thread of owning a blog. What they DO with that piece of cyberspace is what sets them apart…
Now that we’ve gone through the basic classification, we may get into the nitty gritty of identifying the bloggers by their traits. In time, we may advance to a level where a sentence might be enough to call the blogger and put him/her in place.

1) Bloggera privatus
This species of the blogger restricts himself to the personal. May be easily identified by sample post that reads
“At 11:32 am, I went and bought a toothbrush…. 2 minutes later,I brushed my teeth…Did the meaning of my life change when I changed the bulb in my room? “
Carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and moves slowly and deliberately. Capable of winning the paradoxical race against a hare. Overanalyses self and comes to slow conclusions, sometimes none at all. Likely to philosophise on length about the withering away of a flower and the passing of the dewdrops. Prone to blogger burnout once theories of existentialism and capitalism get exhausted.

2) Tabullae peragro
THIS particular species is rather varied. One particular subspecies (luxuricus indicus) is the high flying kind, who just get to tap into their PDA/laptop enroute South for the Winter
“Am going to Melbourne. Winter too cold. Will update about work and play from WiFi portal.”
The other subspecies (el cheapicus) hires a bicycle and begs, borrows or steals his way across the state, takes perfect pictures of himself standing next to the statue at the famed temple to an overweight actor and posts them on his blog with the quiet confidence of the true wanderbug:
“This is, by far, the biggest statue of its kind. It weighs 200 tonnes; almost 1/4^th the actual hero’s weight. It’s awesome. Truly a sight never to be missed.”
Flits from one location to another. Very likely to philosophise about the ephemeral nature of Man’s existence from the top of the Himalayas and then, hold an extended lecture on the nuances of French cuisine (or whatever they call eating snails nowadays.)

3)Mensa omniscientus
Easy to identify. These bloggers are all-knowing. From Operating Systems to the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility and the Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire. These are the L33T men (not usually women) of the cyber-world. Prominent markings include ever-present spectacles and a perpetual sleepiness. Mostly nocturnal, in the quest for more knowledge. Might sprout technical jargon to such an extent that other species feel much smaller for knowing them. Favourite turns of phrases include
“Open Source”, “Free software” & “Microsoft Works is an oxymoron.”
Indeed, this species is often the breadwinner and the lifeline of the Kingdom!

4) Litterae pixica
“Oh look! This is a photo of the house I live in and that’s my dog. That guy walking right towards the frame in the upper right corner… THAT is Amitabh Bachchan! This is a photo of my first cousin’s brother in law’s neighbour’s friend. She knows George W Bush!”
Flashy, colourful, and oh-so-bright. This species take “speciel” care to ensure that their blog looks different. Slightly prone to name-dropping. Cross breeds between Tabullae peragro and Litterae pixica exist and they do share common characteristics. Indeed, some scientists argue that both species are one and the same, but I beg to differ, at least on the basis of physical evidence.

5) Papyrus linkus
“Click THIS for more details… It’s SOOO cool, man!”
Some of these species might be as vicious as the T-rex and about as extinct too…

6) Spotticus witticus
Can be instantly spotted (hehe! like I said) by an innate tendency to laugh at everything and anyone. Maybe mistaken, in rare and borderline cases, for either Bloggera Privatus or Mensa Omniscientus. Doubts maybe speedily rectified by observation of excessive use of puns and long winded jokes. You see.. THEY like to think it’s punny. May become tiresome if they try too hard. Now, now, don’t go THERE!! Earth to reader!!! Yes, man! I am talking to YOU! Has a propensity to turn any incident into hilarity, including the fact that the Americans like to name their hurricanes..
Another sign would be an excessive use of language, in order to confuse the poor soul who is reading the long winded sentence, that details a description so minute and picturesque, that the reader will reach about the middle of that selfsame lengthy piece of prose that started at some point which “he knew not” and realise that his concentration has flagged and he has NO clue what anyone is talking about anymore, leastaways understand where the sentence began and keep hope that, one day, the sentence might actually end, bringing eternal happiness to his life!

7) Metis inundantia
“Today we shall look at how to have great skin. And we shall also proceed to teach OTHERS how to have good skin. And in case they resist, we shall spam their comments with information about how to have glowing skin…”
Noone knows if these creatures exist. In fact, their existence has been attributed to other species of the Kingdom Oposculia trying to outsmart the rest. This author is of the opinion that it is a “coffee-toffee” argument. Every small child will be able to identify this particular species with the ease born of years of practice. Smile and say “Spam”, someone… ANYONE?

8) Vigilo relectum legens
Highly developed sense of sight and hearing. Are able to pronounce judgement on art and culture in a jiffy. Possess sufficient locomotor and cranial capacities to put their thoughts into words. Might not tolerate adverse opinions, though possessing strong ones of their own.
Useful signs to identify the true relectum legens:

• Will give bulleted list of why a film/book sucked.
• Did I TELL you about the bullets?
• SURELY, I must have!

Very useful to have around, in case of emergency advice on which film to take your ‘friend’ to. Take advice with a rather liberal pinch of salt. All opinions expressed ARE in fact individual, not even common to the species.

9) Anally retenticus
The kind that will dot your i’s and cross your t’s for you. This species is unique in that it does not blog, but pokes holes in your blogs for you. This species is an invertebrate and conforms to this format, usually.
“Anonymous comments
Dude, Browning ACTUALLY called him Almighty…”

I give up!!!
Adios
From
Shruti Fraud
PS: In case you think all this sounds Greek & Latin, you’d be HALF right!!!