Of Blogs & Blogger

I am an unapologetic MAD reader. I love the magazine and have been reading it ever since it released in India with the “Ecchh Files: The Spoof Is Out There.”
There might be people who label their humour juvenile and infantile and so on, but to them, all I have to say is “Dweebs!”
Anyway, there was a column in this month’s issue (featuring “Harry Plodder & the Pre-Teen Nerds are Acting Bad”, sold at your nearest bookstore or psycho ward) that might strike a chord in the hearts of those in Blogger Land.

Setting: Dark room where only the glow of the computer monitor illumines the face of the person (Intellectual) typing out words feverishly onto his keyboard. Second person (Observer) is watching over his shoulder.
Intellectual: “Come look at my blog!”
Observer: “What’s a blog?”
Intellectual: “It’s an online diary! You put what you do all day in it and people read it.”
Observer: “So what do you do all day?”
Intellectual: “I read other people’s blogs.”

So, here I am, typing away in a semi-lighted room, staring at a Firefox window open at Blogger: Brain Freeze:: Edit Post ‘Brain Freeze’… Suddenly, the title of my blog seems singularly appropriate.
Hmm, was I trying to even MAKE a point with this post?
This reminds me of what Browning said to a couple of students about some obscure lines of poetry “When I wrote these, only the Creator and I knew its meaning; right now, He alone knows” (or something to that effect.)
Note: It’d be very kind of all of you to refrain from correcting that quote. I KNOW it’s not word for word, but it comes kind of close. But knowing compulsive bloggers (I’m one too…) the first 10 comments will, in varying degrees of politeness, point out what exactly was wrong with my version of Browning’s words.. and yes, I will still love all of you regardless of the critique….

This blog’s become part of my identity now… Would someone have guessed that when Mumble Jumble was born? I think not…
Why did I start blogging? The reason for that is shrouded in the mists of time and memory. About the only thing that you, my dear readers can do, right now, is to hang on for dear life and hope that this runaway roller coaster doesn’t crash into a huge brick wall right at the top of the loop….
….and of course….Check my FAQs for an insight as to WHY I blog?

Here’s some joyous news all around… Shruti Fraud is back!!! After the phenomenal success of her book, she’s decided to step into the world of… Bloggernithology.

Shruti Fraud’s Guide to the Bloggers of the World
The common blogger is found everywhere. From the bustling metropolises of the U S of A, to the verdant green of Africa, from the teeming millions in the Indian subcontinent to the continent of Australia, where the only things more weird than their accents are their animals.
But, the truth of the matter is, no matter where the habitat of our specimen under scrutiny, the common blogger transcends geography to enter the realms of the true global village; namely, the wiseasses are still the same no matter where they live!
Now, it maybe a touch difficult to identify the blogger from the saner people around him/her, but chief symptoms maybe dark circles under the eyes, a propensity to stay up late and a surfeit of links on your Yahoo Messenger that gives you links to “this cool blog”.
Then again, a mistake most people make is in assuming that the Common Blogger is as unvaried as a house fly. In fact, there are many different breeds of the Blogger; so many, in fact, that scientists are hurriedly contemplating changing the name of the species and dropping the qualifying “Common”…
Most resemble each other in the same way the elephant’s closest LIVING relative looks like its great great (to the power 200000) uncle Mr.Woolly Mammoth…

Classification
Kingdom: Oposculia (lit. meaning small book) The kingdom consists of the bloggers, the website designers, the regulars at forums. Moderators don’t belong to this kingdom, thereby proving the notion, “They’re a breed apart.”
Phylum: Scripscrita
Class: Heberetui (‘read’, ‘you’) What’s a blogger without a reader?
Order: Ordorita of the Bloggers proper. As always, you must remember that the species of bloggers you’re apt to meet only have the common thread of owning a blog. What they DO with that piece of cyberspace is what sets them apart…
Now that we’ve gone through the basic classification, we may get into the nitty gritty of identifying the bloggers by their traits. In time, we may advance to a level where a sentence might be enough to call the blogger and put him/her in place.

1) Bloggera privatus
This species of the blogger restricts himself to the personal. May be easily identified by sample post that reads
“At 11:32 am, I went and bought a toothbrush…. 2 minutes later,I brushed my teeth…Did the meaning of my life change when I changed the bulb in my room? “
Carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and moves slowly and deliberately. Capable of winning the paradoxical race against a hare. Overanalyses self and comes to slow conclusions, sometimes none at all. Likely to philosophise on length about the withering away of a flower and the passing of the dewdrops. Prone to blogger burnout once theories of existentialism and capitalism get exhausted.

2) Tabullae peragro
THIS particular species is rather varied. One particular subspecies (luxuricus indicus) is the high flying kind, who just get to tap into their PDA/laptop enroute South for the Winter
“Am going to Melbourne. Winter too cold. Will update about work and play from WiFi portal.”
The other subspecies (el cheapicus) hires a bicycle and begs, borrows or steals his way across the state, takes perfect pictures of himself standing next to the statue at the famed temple to an overweight actor and posts them on his blog with the quiet confidence of the true wanderbug:
“This is, by far, the biggest statue of its kind. It weighs 200 tonnes; almost 1/4th the actual hero’s weight. It’s awesome. Truly a sight never to be missed.”
Flits from one location to another. Very likely to philosophise about the ephemeral nature of Man’s existence from the top of the Himalayas and then, hold an extended lecture on the nuances of French cuisine (or whatever they call eating snails nowadays.)

3)Mensa omniscientus

Easy to identify. These bloggers are all-knowing. From Operating Systems to the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility and the Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire. These are the L33T men (not usually women) of the cyber-world. Prominent markings include ever-present spectacles and a perpetual sleepiness. Mostly nocturnal, in the quest for more knowledge. Might sprout technical jargon to such an extent that other species feel much smaller for knowing them. Favourite turns of phrases include
“Open Source”, “Free software” & “Microsoft Works is an oxymoron.”
Indeed, this species is often the breadwinner and the lifeline of the Kingdom!

4) Litterae pixica
“Oh look! This is a photo of the house I live in and that’s my dog. That guy walking right towards the frame in the upper right corner… THAT is Amitabh Bachchan! This is a photo of my first cousin’s brother in law’s neighbour’s friend. She knows George W Bush!”
Flashy, colourful, and oh-so-bright. This species take “speciel” care to ensure that their blog looks different. Slightly prone to name-dropping. Cross breeds between Tabullae peragro and Litterae pixica exist and they do share common characteristics. Indeed, some scientists argue that both species are one and the same, but I beg to differ, at least on the basis of physical evidence.

5
) Papyrus linkus

“Click THIS for more details… It’s SOOO cool, man!”
Some of these species might be as vicious as the T-rex and about as extinct too…

6) Spotticus witticus

Can be instantly spotted (hehe! like I said) by an innate tendency to laugh at everything and anyone. Maybe mistaken, in rare and borderline cases, for either Bloggera Privatus or Mensa Omniscientus. Doubts maybe speedily rectified by observation of excessive use of puns and long winded jokes. You see.. THEY like to think it’s punny. May become tiresome if they try too hard. Now, now, don’t go THERE!! Earth to reader!!! Yes, man! I am talking to YOU! Has a propensity to turn any incident into hilarity, including the fact that the Americans like to name their hurricanes..
Another sign would be an excessive use of language, in order to confuse the poor soul who is reading the long winded sentence, that details a description so minute and picturesque, that the reader will reach about the middle of that selfsame lengthy piece of prose that started at some point which “he knew not” and realise that his concentration has flagged and he has NO clue what anyone is talking about anymore, leastaways understand where the sentence began and keep hope that, one day, the sentence might actually end, bringing eternal happiness to his life!

7) Metis inundantia
“Today we shall look at how to have great skin. And we shall also proceed to teach OTHERS how to have good skin. And in case they resist, we shall spam their comments with information about how to have glowing skin…”
Noone knows if these creatures exist. In fact, their existence has been attributed to other species of the Kingdom Oposculia trying to outsmart the rest. This author is of the opinion that it is a “coffee-toffee” argument. Every small child will be able to identify this particular species with the ease born of years of practice. Smile and say “Spam”, someone… ANYONE?

8) Vigilo relectum legens

Highly developed sense of sight and hearing. Are able to pronounce judgement on art and culture in a jiffy. Possess sufficient locomotor and cranial capacities to put their thoughts into words. Might not tolerate adverse opinions, though possessing strong ones of their own.
Useful signs to identify the true relectum legens:

  • Will give bulleted list of why a film/book sucked.
  • Did I TELL you about the bullets?
  • SURELY, I must have!

Very useful to have around, in case of emergency advice on which film to take your ‘friend’ to. Take advice with a rather liberal pinch of salt. All opinions expressed ARE in fact individual, not even common to the species.

9) Anally retenticus
The kind that will dot your i’s and cross your t’s for you. This species is unique in that it does not blog, but pokes holes in your blogs for you. This species is an invertebrate and conforms to this format, usually.
“Anonymous comments
Dude, Browning ACTUALLY called him Almighty…”

I give up!!!
Adios
From
Shruti Fraud
PS: In case you think all this sounds Greek & Latin, you’d be HALF right!!!

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36 thoughts on “Of Blogs & Blogger

  1. Angel

    LOLOLOL!!!
    You just got spammed by one of those you’ve classified.
    I see you have put years of research into this masterpiece.
    I also see that you need years of therapy.

    great going, babes!
    and you’re great at coming up with scientific names.
    Here’s to Shruti Fraud… LONG LIVE!!(errrr….)

  2. sheetal

    hmm…good point…but the majority of indians here are tamil hindus (which is how the whole confusion started in the first place)…and you honestly don’t see too many mallus around (surprisingly)…

  3. Anonymous

    hi Kusurthi,
    came to know about you throgh pg aimcat posts.. why so much deviations in your marks??need not to say i m also prep for cat05 which worries you!!(as u hav written some where in your blogs..)i donot post on pg so writing you here.i hav 1 sugg for u..try to do QA/DI questions without solving them..
    alternative methods are
    1.put all options and check
    2.check for symmetry..
    3.assume some value of your own which satisfy condtions and get an ans..the answer you get will be somehow related to the actual ans..
    4.elimination method..
    5.check for extreme cases in question related to any condition or range etc..
    6. solve george j summers puzzle book for LR.(cantains only 72 question; all can be asked in cat lr section.)
    7.assign all variable as close as possibe or as far as possibe for getiing ans for question related to finding max/min. etc..

    give some sectional test on QA/DI without even using a pen or pencil..
    it means you will try to solve orally.
    i m sure after some practice. you will be able to solve 8-10 quection out of 50 without doing proper calculations.
    wish you best of luck..
    ana232
    u can rite to me in your scrap book(i mean here only. just start your comment with @ana232 ……. )

  4. Thomas Jay Cubb

    really appreciate the names for the species…do you know latin???

    Thought you might like –

    THE BLOG-SONG
    ————-
    Publishing’s gone to the dogs
    Nowadays everybody just blogs.
    Words and ideas the blogger bleeds
    Nonsense spewing out at insane speeds
    Who cares? Anyway, nobody reads!

    o yeah, it’s copy-write me! http://cubbspace.blogspot.com/

  5. dor

    comprehensive i must admit…but in which of de above categories wud mine or for dat matter yours fall into..lol..check mine out sumtime n tell me

  6. Shrutz

    @Ang by the next update I’ll be asking all readers to verify the word..”Shrutiiswonderful” just in case you wanted to know in advance 😉
    @Senthil *applied a bandage to Senthil’s wounded ego*
    @Duttan W2 😀
    @Rock Narayanan.. You know I was called “Gibralter” Shruti (jk) but then they became Spanish, and that didn’t fly with me!
    @Nicky thanks ^#*@$
    @Rahul you’ve a slight percentage of the idea, man!
    @Posion yeah, they’re my favourite too! Seems I’ve scared them from commenting..
    @Sheetal Thanks, you’re great too
    @Frantic.. you’re a crossbreed between bloggera privatus & metis omniscientus, any doubts?
    @sheetal I only saw Mallus when I went there… hmm, interesting, eh?
    @Binu Thanks, I accept the compliment. I can be the god of some things
    @comment deleted WHY oh WHY?
    @arz00n Thanks… Next time I am going to blog about the metastability in the life of a Drosophila Melanogastor, don’t know why..
    @Ana232 Thanks man. I’ll take you up on your offer one of these days
    @reverend Please feel free to add to them, man!
    @Thomas loved your blog and your poetry, didn’t comment yet, but that’s just a matter of when
    @Dor I’ve seen AND linked your blog “Dorway” 😀
    You’d be a blogger privatus, with a tad of spotticus witticus and also a smidgen of a sub specied of Mensa- called Mensa demantiavaogrusticolivatuvoa, they’re characterised by their habit of abbreviating EVERYTHING
    @josh would you read it? Huh huh huh HUH??

  7. alberto

    no matter how many times u delete my comments,i’ll still resurface.
    anyway,i want 2 congratulate u on the job well done.
    excellent research work

  8. crossblade

    wow..
    browsed into ur blogger from Orkut..
    OmG!! I enjoyed every moment of reading yours..
    your got that thing for words…oops “that thing”— ah..that me not good at all with them
    he he and I think..I keep changing my blogger species…lol
    have a great week ahead
    prayers
    thomas

  9. jax

    Hahahaa…I love Shruthi-fraud!! You should let her use your keyboard more often!! And I’d like to offer her scholarship in the Linnaeus School of taxonomy and other excuses to blog! 🙂

    Brilliant work Shrutz!

  10. Anonymous

    now, this is your test!!
    read the story(my blog) and answer the questions..

    blog starts—
    There is a large ocean……

    There is a large ocean. In that ocean many pots are floating. Pots are of various size and characteristics. Each one of them is unique in some sense. Pots are sealed. There is water inside the pot as well as outside the pot. The water inside the pot is same as the water outside the pot and that is the water of the ocean. Every pot has its own endurance capacity. Each pot has some limited capacity to keep floating. After that it got cracked and the water inside the pot is mixed up in the water outside the pot. By some process new pots are generated in juxtaposition of destruction of old pots and there remain a balance.

    blog ends—

    Q1.Who r u?
    Q2.Who am I?
    Q3.what is beyound the ocean ?
    Q4.what does pot symbolise?
    Q5.what happens to pots after they got cracked ?
    Q6.what is defference between water inside pot and water outside pot?what do they symbolise?

    btw do you understand hindi? i mean can u read & write in hindi? do reply..

    ana

  11. venus

    that was really a funny post, I was laughing alone staring at the screen, at the names you have chosen for types,! this one is also very funny: “including the fact that the Americans like to name their hurricanes..” !
    I sure will visit again.

  12. Anonymous

    well, i m not sure that u visit comments on ur old blogs or not, but u will find my comments(if any) here only!! how possesive i am!!
    well, this is to suggest you modify ur test giving stratgy..
    1.give eng “at max 25 mins” do all VA in 15 min and 2 pass in next 10 min.(ie 35 ques in 25 min giving u around a score of 30)

    2.after eng switch to weakest section ie. qa in ur case ..give it 50 mins straight. ist scan the quant section for 2-3 mins, tick all easy ques(10-15) u want to do first.then go for them.this will give u confidence..now in rest time solve rest question.
    3.after va(25 min and 35 attempt) and qa(50 min and 30 attempt) go for di at last. again the same startgy scan di section for 2-3 min & priortize only 2-3 sets u want to do first then go for them.do rest in rest time…
    so in nuttshell
    1.ist va(25 min and 35 attempt)
    2.then qa(50 min and 30 attempt)
    3.at last di(45 min and 30 attempt)..

    ana

  13. Anonymous

    @Ana232 Thanks man. I’ll take you up on your offer one of these days…..

    do me a favor.. delete my all scraps including this one( i think they served their purpose)

    i cannot delete or edit them becoz i posted them anonymously..

    btw the story (“there is a large ocean..”) on which u didn’t reacted is based on a hindi maxim ,which conveys that there is an recursive relationship between atman(human being) and paratman(god) and explain the concept of incarnation and salvation which is mainly related with concept of gita.

    maxim is as following..

    jal main kumbh(pot) hain
    kumbh main jal hain
    baher bhiter panni
    phathi kumbh jal jalhi samana
    yahi katha gayani..

    PS: In case you think all this sounds Greek & Latin, you’d be HALF right!!!

    we will be in touch till the date you sell ur blog address mumble_jumble to somebody else..

    best of luck for ur cat..
    play safe on d-day(atleast give 45 min to qa & 40 min to di on real cat)i know ur qa is not weak but the fact is ur english is too good and u can save time there and invest them in qa and di..

    well it is 7 am right now( nightout as usual) and i have i test after 3-4 hour ..so bye for now..

    do delete the scraps including this one.. this will ensure my next scrap(if any) to be non-anonymous.
    ana

  14. psycho

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    KKKOOOOOOOOOL ONE!!!!

    (this is the beginning…..)

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