Another of the series of old stuff I found on my computer. This was a joke I heard from my cousin and rewrote. Tried sending it to people…. noone read it 🙂
You might have heard about the man on the moon.. He is supposed to be a myth.. You might believe in him or not.. But that’s beside the point.
You might have all heard about the historic flight to the moon on the Apollo spacecraft when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin “apparently” landed on the moon…
But this is a conspiracy theory to end ALL conspiracy theories.. The United States Of America has been fooling all of us Mallus till now, as part of a grand design to suppress true history… The first people on the moon weren’t “Armstrong and Buzz” it was a Malayali.
YES!! a Mallu is the ‘Man on the Moon.’ Forget what the history books told you… Here’s the TRUE story…………
Apollo 11 landed on the moon and Neil, the villain of the story, with the flag in his hand, stepped onto the soil with the words “A small step for a man”…. on his lips, (he had been rehearsing for the big ‘night’ for a long time aboard the Apollo) when suddenly he heard in the clear stillness of the night two words “CHAYEE, KAAPI”
He was stunned and ran.. err floated (after all there’s not much gravity nah?) to where the sound came from… He saw through his fishbowl (ok.. ok the astronaut helmet) a teashop or. in Mallu dialect, a ‘chaikada’ He was stunned (that’s an understatement to say the very least) He went and sat on the bench and looked despondently at the Mallu and asked ” Who/ what are you? Are you from earth? Did Russia send you? How did you reach here?……”
His questions would have gone on but the Mallu was smart he stopped him “Saar plizz don’t confuze me onlye! I am a mallaayalli from India saar. Gelf not very good. I am a chaikada owner, a bissiness man. I zimbly come to moon for getting meney. Aliens liking Malayali food you know saar”
But Neil boy was not to be put off like that. He burst into tears (and found out that his oxygen supply was running out by the way) and said “But everyone down there thinks that I am the first man on the moon. The USA depends on me. We have to show the USSR a thing or two, don’t we?”
The Malayali was astonishingly well read. He did read the Malayalam Manorama, you know. “Saar we support USSR onlye but if you buy all these things saar you can tell whatever you want to those people down there. Saar my femely is wanting to be having lot meney, you know”
So Neil, after promising to visit out Mallu again, our antihero bought all the ‘pazhamporis’, ‘bondas’, ‘chais’ , ‘kaapis’ to eat abroad the Apollo with Buzz.. and said his famous line too.. you know what it is.
That was in 1969. Neil went back to good ol earth and was accorded a hero’s welcome! He had become the ‘Man On the Moon’. Children dreamt about becoming like Neil Armstrong. History books showed him and the flag of US fluttering next to the spacecraft (NOW that’s another conspiracy.. we will talk about THAT later).The only people who knew about the “Malayali on the Moon” were Neil & Buzz (who had tummy aches after consuming all those paramporis and bondas) and the mission control at NASA.
After some years had passed by.. Neil decided to go back to the moon (in a secret mission that no other country knew about, of course). He landed on the moon after an uneventful trip and ran back to the old site of the chaikada but didn’t find his Mallu friend there. Instead he found :- “BAHADUR SINGH’S DHAABA” written in big letters over a dhaaba. He was as surprised as a goldfish in a bowl (pun totally unintended!). And asked the sardarji who was the proprietor of the shop “Where’s what-his-name? The Indian? And his tea shop?”
The Sardarji said unconcernedly “Oye!! Rajendra Krishnan Menon eh? He’s not here anymore. Tusi ki chahiye?”
Neil was rapidly losing his temper “I am Neil Armstrong.. He’s my friend. Where is he?”
Said the Punju “Oye tusi ho Neil eh? He told me to “re lay” a message to you when you came. He has “re located” to Pluto. There are better business opportunities there.. apparently”
Thus was born the “Man on Pluto” legend. You will be hearing it soon enough. So Mallus, when NASA sends a spacecraft to Pluto (NOT the Viking) and claims to have been the first.. we Mallus at least should know better eh?
***************FLASH: The author of this here story is being sued by NASA, Neil Armstrong’s family, the Pentagon, President George W Bush, Bahadur Singh (who claims that he said nothing of that sort), the USA ( which claims that this is a Russian plot to undermine Indo-US relations), our Defence Minister George Fernandes, (who claims that there is a “Foreign Hand” behind all this.. he thinks it is Italian actually) the Pakistani “President” General Pervez Musharraf (who further claims that this is an Indian plot, actually the Man on the Moon was a Paki) .. and various other Americans who are claiming $198,246,950,948,927,659.19707 ( wonder how many light years that is) in damages because they feel that they suffered emotionally due to the “falsehoods concocted here” The trial is set before the UN Court of Justice and might run to a few thousand years more*****************