Fraud & the Interpretation of Screams

Meet Shruti Fraud, one of those voices in my head that keep me company during times when no flesh-n-blood certified Homo Sapiens are around. She’s not one of the more frequent, but she makes up for it by being very analytical and philosophical- things that even my best friends wouldn’t accuse me of being. You must excuse me if her words sound rather like mine, you can’t have your cake and eat it too! Anyways, Fraud tells me that it’s time for her earth-shattering psycological conclusions to hit prime-time. So, over to Fraud..

(Edit from Shrutz: The title is rather specific, but Fraud will go into depths of the human psyche, or as much as her fingers will allow her to.)

“Through times immemorial (Shrutz: “Oh! quit being so dramatic”), Man (and Woman) has wanted to have ESP. Here, from the eyes of Shruti is a deep insight into what her life has taught her…”

The Interpretation of Screams From my experience, I have learnt the meaning of different kinds of screams. Yes, you read it right S.C.R.E.A.M.S. Let’s look at them!

  • The girly non-scream: This can mean anything from “Oh, I am so scared. I need a strong person to support me” to “Oh! A cockroach landed on my head and messed up my coiffure” and “Ahh! I won Miss. Universe” silent scream. From guys, it means “I am a macho man in touch with my inner feminine. Ain’t I cute?”
  • The Mom/Dad scream: Long prolonged scream of name like so.. “NAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME” ;). This can mean anything from “Come up here, young lady, and clean up your room THIS instant” to “How DARE you commit credit card fraud without my permission”. Not that I HAVE, but it’s nice to know, isn’t it?
  • The “I-am-on-a-roller-coaster” yell (aka the Fear-Factor Wooohooo): It means exactly that! Duh! Also in addition “I’m bungee-jumping/surfing/hang gliding/ parasailing/ jumpin off an airplane…” What it ACTUALLY means: “i am scared out of my mind, but I need to yell in a specific way to show that I am REALLY having fun…” Woohoo!
  • The masculine grunt: Only one meaning, people “I am a taciturn, masculine man.. I may be a pig sometimes. Can you live with that?” Seems like it really has no takers.
  • The sports screams: These are a whole section in themselves

a) The “You fool, a chimp can do it properly… with eyes blindfolded” couch potato scream of “argh”. It’s usually accompanied by much gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.

b) The “Yay. The team won.” cheer of the ‘winners’ watching the game.

c) The team taking a victory lap doesn’t usually scream nor does the losing team who is regrouping.

d) The Shoaib Akthar yell of disappointment after his (chucked) ball just missed the wicket/batsman’s edge/batsman’s head. “Nooooooooooo”… Self explanatory, really.

e) The tennis grunts.. I REALLY don’t know why!

f) The tough guy WWF Smackdown challenge. As fake as the whole concept. I am thumbing my nose at you, Mr Vince Macmahon

  • The “I’ve just met my idol” girly scream and faint accompanied by tears of joy. Again, self explanatory, though I have never been able to figure why meeting Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts and shaking their hands is so great a thing that the fans never wash their hands again. Not very, cool, you must agree!
  • Finally, “Oprah has just bought me a new house.” prolonged yell of joy and tribal dance accompaniment. She’s just so fine!

There are so many more screams, that I hate to leave you in this lurch. But we HAVE to move on!

Men are from Uranus Now that I have gotten that joke off my mind, I must confess this… This IS how guys’ minds work. No matter how completely sweet, decent and absolutely darling they seem to be. There are very few who’d tell a girl that openly, but trust me Sister.. I know!

Very few guys would admit it, but it hurts their ego when girls can do something without their help! (Am I right or am I right?) And hurting their ego is a no-no. So, girls, please continue doing it!

Seriously, their ego is a very fragile thing. So most guys like to think that there’s noone “as handsome, as talented, as intelligent and as charismatic as me” even if he’s buck-toothed, balding, has an IQ of 80 and all the charisma of a teaspoon.

I have mentioned the ladder theory in a previous post, feel free to browse through, because I couldn’t put it better myself!

Girls gripe “They keep laughing like hyenas at nothing. I can’t understand why they become all touchy at small things and they can’t take a hint through their tough skulls. They act all macho and tough and then boast about it!”

Girls, girls!! It is all an ACT! 😀 Okay, maybe there are some who are completely indifferent. but let’s just generalise now, shall we?

With all this, I must also add, that guys are be very good friends. They’ll stick by you through thick and thin and help you in any way they can. *mushy me!* The hitch, of course, is that you’ll have to tolerate their gross comments, at times! And if you’re a ‘guy pal’, you can be sure to get all the details of the girls they’re eying… Fun, nevertheless! Especially, when you can laugh at them and give them advice… So that brings me to,

Women are from Sirius: Girls and guys could NOT be more different. Hence, I have taken them light years away. Sirius, is the brightest star in the night sky, and most women like to be the brightest…. I am not saying it works, but it’s great having an ambition, right?

The grouse of most guys is that “Girls never understand our dumb jokes.” or “Damn. She’s giving me mixed signals!” (the reason for many shredded flowers.. “She loves me, She loves me not.”

a) Nuh-uh.. They do and they just pretend not to both times.

b) Don’t even try to do anything unless you are confident. (Yeah! I am talking to YOU.. Speedo!)

This advice is free of cost, by the way.

For all the cynics out there, I’d just like to say… Girls just want affirmation. If you’re friendly with a girl (and I DO mean just friendly), she won’t mind some leg-pulling as long as she knows it’s not what you really think. If it is, you might be in SOME trouble mister. Hmm, maybe the ego thing applies equally, eh?

Most girls want to feel special, first and foremost. Girls always have best friends from the fairer sex, because they connect at a deeper level (ie complaining about the people they know!), PLUS the shopping is SO much better! Information interchange is much better as well! (aka gossip)

By the way, for all those people who think ONLY girls gossip… *ding* you’re WRONG! Guys do it too.. Only thing, it’s called Locker room talk. (PS: I wouldn’t like any comments negating it, I’ve proof!)

Shrutz: Okay that’s it from Fraud for the time being. Psycho-babble out. She will update with more of the same, IF it makes any sense to someone! next up “I go and the Eid Mubarak” (okay that as just DUMB)

*squabbles with other voices in head*

First edition

Copyright@2005, Shruti George

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13 thoughts on “Fraud & the Interpretation of Screams

  1. Angel

    WHOA!!OUTRAGEOUSLY hilarious!

    ||Finally, “Oprah has just bought me a new house.” prolonged yell of joy and tribal dance accompaniment.||

    I know! This is why I like to watch ‘Oprah’s favourite things’ on mute.

    ||Girls always have best friends from the fairer sex, because they connect at a deeper level (ie complaining about the people they know!), PLUS the shopping is SO much better!||
    Right you are, sista!! Let’s go paint the town red…but first we will have a gala time shopping for the right shade of red!!
    WOOHOOO @ you,shrutz(and u too, Fraud!)

  2. Speedo

    Just when you thought it CANNOT get any better!!!

    Nice one Shrutz…and BTW i know what im doing (which right now would mean…NOTHING)…well…at least i think i do…**scratches head**

  3. Krish

    A nice coverage it is!!!…many are amazingly true…especially the girly stuff…but is it being posted by the real shruti or the fraud one…coz I dont wanna take frauds at face value…

  4. Aswin

    Arra ivide kidannu koovunne.. Good one chakuddu… keep doing it ,.. keep choosing good stuff.. keep reducing the length.. ummmaaaaa

  5. acid_ice

    I agree with Krish,but only about the girly stuff…and if this blog had a wider audience,I doubt even the fairer sex would unanimously agree with the findings of Miss.Fraud.And when and where she got the authority,and the experience,to comment on the Male sex,as authoritatively as she has done,I have no idea.(Now these aren’t the incoherent rantings of an MCP…:D,and to h*** with the guys who think they’re “amazingly true”.)

    It’s just one person’s point of view,skewed at that;and any right-minded guy should treat it only as such.Admit it shrutz,the maximum number of guys you may have known,known well I mean,couldnt be much more than a dozen.And you derive all those conclusions from that?!!..Hope to God,there aren’t guys like that,and even if there are,that doesn’t count for the millions of normal guys out there,who won’t mind if a girl pal of theirs does something without their help,who don’t ask help for their love-lives,who don’t think they are the “be-all and end-all” of the Universe…!!

    Seriously Shrutz,after all those fascinating blogs,I didn’t expect you to go and trip up on a subject like this;it just goes to show…:P

  6. Adarsh A. Varghese

    Great post. But that ego part dosent seem quite right to me. I for one would never like to have a gal dependent on me. like i certainly dislike gals sayin ….’adarsh, wont u help me with this project and with this case and with this blah blah….” i have always liked gals who are independent and not too dependent on me. well, it may be because i am just a lazy bag of bones! anyways, wondeful post, great blog, makes interestin reading.

  7. Senthil

    …wow! 🙂
    Does this mean that grunting idea of mine will not work? Damn…

    Oh, and digressing a bit, “Timeline” was good, but you notice that he did not explain the concepts very well. There was a lot of vagueness, especially in the multiverse theory. But, then, I’m pretty bad at ‘tronics…

  8. Inspiration

    As long as its to show ur writing skill , its ok .Funny and well put.
    Dont expect to get any pennies for ur thought.

    Most of the ‘claims’ by the voice in ur head is pretty lame ,I agree with wat ‘cute – demon’ says,U cant judge all the guys in general , U can understand a person only if he/she wants u to.And y guys act like guys ,it dates loong back when Eve pointed the fuckin apple to Adam.

    I suggest u go through this book :

    “Why men dont listen and women cant read maps”.

    It explains y boy act like u know ..boys

    [additional coverage for the book :it also says about ,wats the use for nipple in men and y their ass is hairier than women.. 😀 ]

  9. duttan

    I partly agree with what Manu has to say.

    There are guys who have given up on love life. Theyd rather buy a Porsche/Harley and drive off into the sunset alone.

    There are guys who prefer to remain in the shadows and help out others achieve blinding heights.

    There are guys who dont care the heck the actions of people around them.

    TO EACH HIS OWN. (Vegeta. Dragonballz Episode 114 : The Saiyan Prince)

  10. Shrutz

    @Angel… Oprah for President…! And i’d like a shade of fire engine red, “plizz”!
    @Speedo, hehe, you’re not angry at me using your life story to embellish? I know you think you know what you are doing, but do you really KNOW? I know not!
    @Krish. The Fraud… or me, it’s all the same, especially at midnight.
    @Aswin I REALLY don’t want to answer that “chakkudu”
    @cute_demon
    1) I have talked FROM MY EXPERIENCE!
    2)Hey, you’re calling my friends abnormal here!!
    3) I never professed to give in capsule form any knowledge of psychology. This was just a bunch of generalisations which I had fun writing and that’s how I expect others to perceive them!
    @Aravind He lived…
    @Adarsh Thanks man! I heard about the laziness, maybe I ought to have added THAT too?
    @Senthil ^:)^ Did you expect it would? 😀 Yeah, I didn’t understand Prey much either, for the life of me, I can’t understand whether his wife was destroyed completely or held together by the swarm or whether the swarm WAS his wife!
    @Inspiration. I think you’re an aberration in sane society.. Look up the word! 😀 A B E R R A T I O N! Link: http://www.dictionary.com
    @Duttan: You already know I am one of the cynics. I see your point loud and clear, and repeat what I told Manu. PS: I believe the next post might be more to your liking? Or NOT!

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