India vs The World

Okay, so what does India think about the rest of the world? I don’t think the world is really ready for this. First of all, when you say the word ‘foreigner’, (in Kerala, the word is ‘madama’ or ‘sayippu’) and you pop your head out the car window and look close at one of the tourists walking around, this is the usual spectacle: Someone wearing a black/yellow/(insert garish colour) ‘lungi’ (the standard cloth wrapped around the male’s waist and provides excellent ventilation), or bermudas and a sleeveless tee, (more likely a ‘banyan’), sunglasses, a waist pouch and a filthy cap, complete with a backpack bigger than them from which end hangs rubber slippers, and finally a constant companion: a water bottle. Let’s not really go into what the women wear!

What do they do in India? Walk about, ride an elephant, see some animals (and locals), get hoodwinked by the same (locals!!) into buying ‘crafts’ and go for an Ayurvedic massage… Oh yeah! and exclaim at some poor Indian slum dweller kid with a runny nose and sad eyes. The complete India package..

This is how India views the quintessential tourist!

As a country viewing other countries.. let’s go in the order of preference (mine, of course!)

Pakistan is a land usurping, rogue state that could be annihilated by us any second using our nukes, but we don’t do it because we are peace-loving. It helps that the Pakistanis look at us in the same manner of course! For either country to change our minds, it’d help if all Indian politicians were roasted alive and the entire Pakistani army deported to Japan, where the courtesy and calmness might kill them all off in a hurry…

The U.S of A is a ‘land of dreams’ all right. Unfortunately, the vision is slightly hazy right now. What with ‘people with bandages on their heads’ being mistreated (SIKHS!) and all that. Plus, Indians have woken up to the wonderful fact that “our democracy is way more progressive than the American democrazy”!! Of course, once either country’s government is in power, it pretty much runs the same way. A proverb comes to mind “Empty vessels drum more.” What gets most Indians’ goat is the sheer ignorance of the average American. This could be a myth that is everyday reinforced by seeing the contestants reality shows like “Fear Factor”, “Joe Millionare” & “The Amazing Race” throw up. (and I adore The Amazing Race!!) I would NOT eat a slug/beetle/cricket/earthworm/spider/cocktail of creepy crawlies if you paid me a million dollars… These tend to give us a rather dim view of the IQ of an American: maybe he’s all stomach? George W Bush is not helping matters in this department either. At least Bill Clinton was charming! One thing we all resent, without any doubts, is America’s propensity to act like a big bully in a school playground. “Bugger off, ‘dude’, we don’t want you to scare us into signing the CTBT or the NPT. We can live with your sanctions. Question is, can you?”…. And Buddha smiles again!

The quintessential Brit is posh and has his nose in the air. But wonderful accent, ol’ man! Where WOULD they be without kebabs and tandoori chicken? But they’ve built some really wonderful bridges and buildings in our part of the world, and miracle of miracles, they’re still standing! (We’re talking India, people!) Then of course, we tend to think of Tony Blair as Bush’s little poodle. “Wag your little puffball tail for Dubya.”

The French speak a weird language. It ‘shore’ sounds ‘purdy’, though! I am sure they don’t give a damn (Pardon my French) whether Americans eat French or Freedom Fries, (seeing as the fries were already a Belgian creation).

We have a heartfelt connection with the Russians for ages. Both of us having been trying to get rid of our Communist ‘brothers’ for ages. Those doddering old wrecks keep pulling us back when we’re trying to barge into the 21st century… “Remember the proletariat”.. I believe you need to wake up to the fact that they have forgotten you! Long live the CPI! At least they provide wholesome entertainment for the family!

China is (of the ‘Hindi Chini bhai bhai’ fame), politically very devious, electronically a haven, economically sound, linguistically a blank and a very good role model for most of what she does. I am not agreeing with their policies of getting countries to fight with each other while she quietly shifts borders. But, you must admit, it makes for fascinating watching.

Moving east and down south, Australia. We have a love-hate relationship with their cricket team. We love them as long as they’re not playing India.. I only have one question: Are all Aussies THAT big? Us puny Indians feel dwarfed! The typical Aussie is very endearing. (I am not talking about Steve Irwin here, ‘mates’!)

I love the “Black Caps” even more. So New Zealand is okay by my book….

I KNOW I have missed loads of countries. If your country is not on this list, kindly contact me at




One thought on “India vs The World

  1. Shrutz

    Whoops I just realised! That paragraph about Pakistan being all that…. I was being SARCASTIC..! Sorry any Pakistanis whose feelings I may have inadvertantly hurt!!

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